100 word minimum

I should write

a blog entry.

But I spent the day in Bridesmaid Dress Hell. The best I can do is an incoherent list of reasons why bridesmaid's dresses suck even when you have what should be a good dress.

Reason 1: The evil, exploitative wedding industry won't let you shop. The way this works, you go to a bridal shop and try on samples of the dresses. They only have size 12 samples of a small fraction of the dresses in the collection. The samples are in random colors, so you have to imagine what the dress might look on you, if it were your size, and if it were the color that the bride has selected. The dress you end up with doesn't even exist until you order it. All sales final, 12 weeks to delivery.

Reason 2: If you're not a size 12, you have no way to determine what size you actually are. You measure yourself and go by the size chart provided by the manufacturer. The size chart lies. The dresses are bigger than the chart lets on, but you have no way of knowing that, because you don't have enough data to work with. Then, after you make a stab at picking your size and depending on how your measurements match up with the size chart, the bride may go ahead and further upsize your dress to be absolutely certain that it will be big enough. The theory is, a dress can be taken in, but it can't be let out. This theory is actually wrong in the case of these dresses: See Reason 3.

Reason 3: The material fucking stretches. The dress lets its own damn self out an inch or more in every direction.

Here's the blog entry part:

My tale of woe

When my upsized dress arrived back in December, I took it to a seamstress to get taken in. She could only take in the bodice because the structure of the dress around the hips was too complicated to screw with. Okay, so baggy butt, but with the fitted bodice, the strapless dress should at least stay up and sort of fit. It's the fit at the waist that actually holds the dress up.

Over the several weeks that she had the dress, we had Christmas and New Year's. Also, my therapist assigned me some new exercises which help my bad hip and also happen to provide excellent upper body toning. I tried to stay the same size by not indulging in too much pie over the holidays and making sure to do all my exercises. As a result, actual laws of nature have been broken. Despite the holidays and attendant treats, I became trimmer through the waist and larger through the bust, probably from building up muscle around my ribcage.

Go, me! I will look slightly more hot!

Except that when I picked up the dress, it was loose in the waist and really tight around the top, giving me the attractive flabby bulge/falling down dress combo. The dress came with a little optional security strap upon which must now hold up the dress.

But remember, the fabric stretches. Since I've had the dress, I've put it on several times to check the fit and work on creating a bustle for the train. (Another wild Dress Hell adventure, which was amazingly resolved with Scotch. Note to self: Scotch is key. Glenfiddich.) The top has loosened up, so the flabby bulge problem is resolved. Yay.

However, the strap is stretching out. I've already shortened it once. I'm going to have to shorten it another two inches. And, while I'm glad to be spared the flabby bulge, the top of the dress has loosened up enough that the dress slides down pretty far, pulling my strapless bra down in front and revealing the bra band in back.

That problem also has a solution. We made another trip to the fabric store where I picked up some bra cups to sew into the dress. (I should have done that to begin with. The bra cups were $5, the very nice strapless bra was $50.) Today I sewed a hook and eye on the back for the train bustle, during which process the decorative brooch on the back came off (great workmanship!) and had to be sewn back on. Crooked. Damn. Then I sewed in the bra cups. Not crooked, oddly enough. Since I rarely sew, this all took a very long time and required multiple dress try-ons and boob checks. To my credit, I did not spill coffee on the dress, tear the dress, throw the dress on the floor and stamp on it, or call up the bride to vent.

What do I have to show for it?

Assuming the little strap holds, the dress will stay in position and look somewhat lumpy and ill fitting. It will also be too long, because the fabric in the skirt is stretching. Thanks, gravity.

I still have to shorten the strap. I should probably sew the strap into the dress rather than relying on the hook/loop and snap combination that holds it in place. I may have another go at straightening the decorative brooch.

This dress has it in for me.

I'm taking my sewing kit to the wedding.

883 words | January 14, 2007 08:20 PM | Real true story