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Is there a secret, undisclosed location for the rest of us?

In which I go first amendment all over the place, so if you're happy about the outcome of the election, you should just avert your eyes and move along. Besides, I use way too many question marks for this to qualify as good writing.

I'm proud of the 1,396,232 other Virginians (45%!) who waited in line to get out their protest vote yesterday. One of my professors told me how she reamed the hell out of her punch card (not her words). "No hanging chad for me!"

But, you people up and down the Mississippi who walked out of the polls claiming that moral values were the most important issue to you? Yes, you all who voted for the man who has told you a big, long string of lies and sent your kids off to get blown up on the basis of those lies (along with the upwards of 13,000 Iraqi civilians who've died so far as a direct result of this foreign policy exercise)? I got your moral relativism right here. Perhaps you meant "moral values" with little air quotes. Maybe those are different from the "do not lie, do not kill, love thy neighbor as thyself" kind of moral values espoused by generally well-respected individuals like your man Jesus.

I amaze myself. I got through that paragraph without using the word "fucktards." I am damned civilized for a commie-pinko-bleeding-heart liberal. Yes, liberal, meaning that I am in favor of lead-free water, smog-free air, paid overtime, access to an adequate level of healthcare and education without risk of bankruptcy, and the moral conduct of foreign policy.

Another professor started class today by announcing Kerry's concession. A few Young Reps cheered. Do they not read a newspaper? Do the humorless little fucks not even watch the Comedy Channel? Has three years of engineering school done nothing for their critical thinking skills? Do you want these people designing the ABS system on your car?

The prof said, "Well, we survived Reagan, we survived Nixon, we survived that long string of idiots in the nineteenth century, so we'll get through the next four years." I'd find that more comforting if I could recall that any of those guys were as actively intent on gutting the Bill of Rights as Bush. I guess the second amendment is safe (like I was worried about that one) and Republicans make as much use of the fifth as anyone, but what about the rest of it? By the way, some of the great people I worked with this summer participated in the National Archives project to preserve the Charters of Freedom. They told me how privileged they had felt to work on the project. People, the parchment is safe. The contents deserve at least as much protection. My latest paranoia is that they'll launch an attack on Amendment 22. (No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice…Of course, Bush/Cheney has been elected only once.)

On the bright side, this means another hilarious four years for The Funny Times. I'll be laughing till I cry. And at this point, it's also probably safe to say that The Onion is our finest news source.

Now I'm wondering about inauguration day. Will Dick Cheney peel back the latex and stand before the public in his true, reptilian form as the alien ship hovers over the Capitol?

567 words | November 3, 2004 09:41 PM | Because I said