"Wow. So. When are we moving to New Zealand?"
"Yeah. Look at the Eye of Sauron. Go on, snitch it from Gandalf. He'll never notice."
"Oh, not more weeping!"
"'No French horns were spared in the making of this film.'"
"Wow. So. When are we moving to New Zealand? And now that they've lit the beacons and called for help across like—"
"Fifteen mountain ranges and twelve steppes—"
"They'll get to Minas Tirith in six months."
"Let's pause this a second. I need to run downstairs and feed the cats. Then we can watch the, ah, second half without all this meowing."
"The second half? But we've been watching this movie for five hours already. When will it end?"
"Look, elf chips."
"'Oh, Master Frodo!' 'Oh, Sam!' C'mon, kiss him! You know you want to."
"Yeah. 'We'll talk about what a rotter you were later.'"
"Hey, those cobwebs just pulled the dirt right off 'em. See how clean they look now?"
"That Faramir looks pretty pink to be a corpse."
"And they do such a good job about color coding all the characters. You can always tell when someone's dead or cursed what with all that white makeup."
"The geography of Middle Earth is characterized by very high precipices that people are apt to fall off suddenly and without warning."
"What? No arterial spurt?"
"Army of the Dead. Cool!"
"'Oh, Merry!' 'Oh, Pippin!' C'mon, kiss him! You know you want to."
"Male hobbits pair-bond for life, you know."
"What I don't get are these huge citadels that pretty much crumble the second a trolls spits on them. They must have taken centuries to build. Why did they bother?"
"Does lava really flow that fast?"
"Only when it's propelled by the powers of evil."
"The only people that really made sense here were the orcs. Once they heard the boss say 'Oh I'm fucked', they just walked. 'No pension plan? I'm outta here.'"
323 words | July 5, 2004 07:12 PM | Real true story